I applied for a job this week.
A very-very part time, work from home job. It won't do much for us, really. If I got it, I would get the spending money back that I had to give up when we revamped our finances at the start of this year. But I would trade some of my free time for it. And that's okay, really, because my feeling is that the experience would give me another notch in my belt. So to speak.
In my last post, when I talked about the hummingbird life? I was alluding to this.
Once upon a time, I loved to write. I also had a desire to express myself, so I went in search of an outlet, and I found one. I wrote there every day. I organized my thoughts, defined my reality, collaborated with like-minded individuals. It grew into many versions of exploration with varying levels of success. The experience lead me to doing some creative and tech work for a national company. That lead me to a job in verbally taking care of individuals - it was fueled by practice I'd had while working in customer development departments in two different brick and mortar establishments that funded the beginnings of my adult life.
From there, I took a job virtually - using my previous experiences first to land the job, and then to execute it. As that job evolved, I dabbled in other ideas, and eventually found this job opening. The previous virtual job I'd held gave me a name to mention - one that would open a door for me.
I knew, when I sent in my application, that I'd at least get past that first round. There was no doubt in my mind. The application was riddled with creative questions (and that's really where I shine), but it was also this name I had to mention - it is one that they are intimately familiar with. It's not just recognizable - they are friends. I knew that would at least inspire them to give me a glance - and I was looking at this as beautiful, divine intervention. A point on my hummingbird's flight. Nothing nefarious or shady, though someone without such a connection would probably assume so. It felt more like fate. Like, aha! There's that puzzle piece. That's what it was for. Exactly the way I felt when I took the job before it, and the one before that, and the one before that. It all made sense. Because who would be able to guess that this specific position would call for someone with my random, eclectic experiences and skills? Because it was meant to.
Don't mistake this as cockiness. It just....makes sense. I see things with a bigger picture view than I used to, and I recognize my path when it suddenly appears before me.
All that said....I have no idea if I'll be hired. I don't know if I'll make it past the next step. I just knew that I'd at least be noticed, if nothing else. I knew it with all of me, and I didn't grip. Aparigraha. I didn't even have to consciously practice it because a sense of knowing just allowed me to, naturally. Or maybe that means that I've been doing a good job of practicing it lately? Interesting.
At any rate, I got notice of making it through the first round when I got home from yoga yesterday. The next step was another test, essentially, and my stomach dropped when I noticed there was a deadline for a potentially nerve-wrecking, embarrassing task. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that it wasn't all that awful. I'd done it a million times before. I had experience, and I had an understanding not only of what to do, but what they'd want to see from me. There was no reason to tense up and to stress out.
This morning, after I sent my boys off to school and sipped lots of coffee, I sat down to gather my thoughts and practice. I ran through it about 10 times, made sure my little guy was happy and quiet, and then...I did it. Like 7 hours before it was due (they'd only given me 20, so this was a win). I noticed myself having to take a few deep breaths. I needed deodorant and chapstick and a bit of a pep-talk, and in the end, I think I came off a little more nervous than I had in my practice rounds.
I asked myself why that was, and I realized....it was rooted in a deep-seeded desire to feel accepted. I want them to like me. I want them to say YES, you are good enough for us. I want to prove to them that I am. I want to be associated with them. Like a 15 year old walking into the cafeteria, I want to sit at their table.
How can I be both so sure of my path, and so unsure of the people I walk beside on the journey?
This is the work happening in my soul, lately. I've become intimately acquainted with myself, and still ultimately terrified of the people around me. When I am just me being me, or contrasted against the people who feel like soul-relatives, I'm fine. But even a baby step beyond that, I suddenly don't know my worth. I still look back on my interactions with people and pat myself on the back when I was successfully friendly and not awkward.
Which brings me to....would you believe that this job is rooted in connecting with people? This makes my heart want it even more, because clearly this is the work I need to be doing at this point on my path. I hope that they can sense this from me. I need them, and this work, as much as they need someone to do it.
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