Recently, while struggling with the general flow of life, a friend gave me a little clarity on my tendency to get attached to things. I've always been a bit of a pack rat, but she pointed me towards some of the other, non-tangible things that I tend to anchor myself to.
Routines, traditions, schedules, memories.
She was totally right. It goes beyond that, too, though. I grip onto possibility and process, history and truth, approval and acceptance. Grip grip grip grip grip.
I didn't know what to do with this knowledge, other than to witness and accept it. But little, tiny interesting moments have been popping up in my life lately to make me want to stare it down a little harder so I can break free of this tendency.
I hesitate to look at my childhood, because though I know most of our soul scars are formed there, my husband is very against blaming your past vs accepting responsibility for your present. I can't really fault him, because in his past was an emotionally abusive parent whose unhealthy habits chased him to an early grave, and he neither blames that situation nor lives in response to it, so I try to heed his advice.
But the truth is, I was REALLY good at coping as a child - maybe better than most my age. I saw guidance counselors for all the drama that went on in my childhood, and it never really felt like it did me much good but they'd report to my parents that I was more-well adjusted than most kids. Errrr. (Pretend that's a gameshow wrong answer buzzer.) I was just really good at faking it. My life unfolded much like a soap opera, and I pretended it didn't. I didn't deal with...almost anything.
As a teen, I relished the feeling of creating my own life on my own terms and got very wrapped up in my friends, boyfriends, and jobs. I was busy building a family in my 20's, and it hasn't been until I turned 30 that I really started to look back and retroactively deal and heal and evolve.
And so.....I can only assume that my tendency to grip comes from this list of factors from my early years.
1. My parents were young, and while a specific number doesn't always signify emotional maturity or a general sense of responsibility, they were still somewhat broken with lots of emotional work to do.
2. We never had money. When I received something, I held on tight.
3. My parents divorced. Not a shocker given all I've said. Only they not only divorced, but they both remarried, and then one of them separated, went back, finally divorced, then remarried again. This all happened in less than 10 years, while I was maybe at my most vulnerable, so. You get it.
4. My mom has a physical and emotional trauma in her teen years that she never dealt with (hmm, so that's where I get it), and it was a BIG thing needing dealt with. It left her emotionally unavailable and lacking in affection and energy.
5. During all of this, my parents moved 14 times. I was 7 at the time of our first move, and 17 at the last. That means, averagely speaking, I moved more than once a year.
And so......I grip.
Every shred of affection and approval and attention. Every item that didn't previously belong to someone else. Every chance I have to stockpile something for a future need. The ability just to plan for a future - knowing with at least some semblance of security that it will be relatively how I expect it to be. Embrace, embrace, grip grip, embrace.
Please don't mistake this all for blame. This is just what my reality was, and why I formed my habits and personality the way that I did. It is all okay. It is also okay to want to be and do more - to be closer to source energy - to the light of God and the universe that resides inside all of us. Noticing our tendencies and their sources is the process of getting there. It is the rough and sometimes ugly path, and I am not trying to condemn anyone in the process. It is what it is what it is.
I've started to believe that as a consciousness - a piece of a large whole - I chose this life. I knew what I'd face, and I decided that the hardships were worth the payoff in who I would become, because it would urge the collective consciousness further into growth, love, and understanding. I wanted this. Discovering what it's all about is just part of my job on this earth, and that's where I am.
This is my current life work.
Trusting that I will always find the route to the things that I need. Understanding that just opening my heart and eyes to the world around me will keep me closest to my true nature. Learning to leave my daily emotional luggage exaggeratedly lightly packed.
A toothbrush and clean underwear and a good book.
Love and faith and the breath.
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